WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HOCKEY???

I will begin by backpedaling.

For all the ragging you’ll read I must first acknowledge to actually knowing a Shark. He took me to a playoff game where I got weird looks for sitting the whole time. Besides being an athlete he is a man of utmost integrity. My beanie is tipped to his and all hockey player’s prowess in playing a sport I never could’ve.

Plus he can kick my ass.

OK, now that we’ve wiped the shit off our nose, let’s talk business. About Barbieri, whose every utterance reeks of helium. He, and his incessant “Go Sharks” drop on KNBR should be sent back to the East coast where he can order his vegan pizza at the corner pie shack and get laughed into the Atlantic.

Next, you season ticket holders. What are you thinking? Do you have nothing better to do? Are you that desperate to root for something? Trust me, I get it. But back when I was watching the San Jose Diablos professional volleyball team spike it at the Civic I was fourteen and looking for any excuse to convince myself of my manhood and that my “city” was “Major League”.

It’s not. Having a hockey team proves it.

How about an example. We’ll call him “Bill”. He’d never watched hockey in his life. Not even ’80. His pops helped foist the NHL upon us. He has an autographed puck from the inaugural season. He goes to the games. He bleeds aqua blue. But he’s not really a fan. Or at least he wasn’t back when. Now, however, you’d think he grew up shoveling snow instead of bullshit yapping about “the crease” and the “five-hole”.

Finally, for all our talk about being “Major League”, let’s face it. We live in a cowtown. Yes, we did win Arena league championships, and hosted a third rate auto race, and our Single-A stadium is charming, however I cringe at the thought of confetti raining on Santa Clara Street celebrating a Stanley Cup as our crowning achievement when even Buffalo has NFL football.

And a hockey team too.

YR CITY’S A SUCKER-LCD SOUNDSYSTEM